So my online tutorial tells me that this is the section where I explain why I have started my blog………good question. The first thing you should know is that I lost my husband to cancer almost 3 years ago. The second is that, for the first two years, I stopped living; I existed for sure but I didn’t live. If you know what I mean I hope that the things I post on here will help. You think and feel some very strange things when you lose the love of your life and I hope that this site will give people a chance to talk about those things with other people who are in the same position and therefore won’t be all judgy.
The only thing I felt after my husband died was lonely, even when surrounded by people who loved me, because I couldn’t really talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I was given lots of advice about how to cope – I should join clubs for people in the same situation, talk to therapists, find new hobbies etc etc. The problem was, the only thing I wanted was for my life not to have changed but it had and no amount of jewellery making, tennis playing, horse-riding or shopping could alter that fact (and yes those were some of the things I tried). It also didn’t help that my only constant companion was my sub-conscious and, let me tell you, she is a bitch! I can only give you my experience but, in the beginning, I was on auto-pilot because my sub-conscious could not allow the full impact of what had happened into my head all in one go.That’s great in some ways because I was protected, initially, from over-whelming pain but, like slimming pants (the fat has to go somewhere right?) it all had to come out in the end. It started about 3 months after the funeral – my sub-conscious suddenly slapped me round the face and said “oi, your husband’s dead”. Something inside felt like it was breaking. I was a widow. I had been for 3 months as far as anyone else was concerned but, on that evening, sitting in my garden, i realised it. I was a widow